Mind Matters

Self-Care Celebrates the Small Things

The third and final instalment to the Self-care series

Self-care is also about celebrating the small things. We set standards for ourselves, usually impossibly high standards that we would not expect others to reach. Some high achievers set equally high standards for the people around them because they see these people as extensions of themselves (we’ll discuss the intricacies of this situation in another post). In my situation, I had given myself a time frame to achieve everything on my to-do list and every day that ended was a day closer to my imagined deadline.

I also believed certain things about myself, for example that I get in the way of my own success, and I was working hard to prove myself wrong. Every day that I did not tick something off my to-do list, it confirmed to me that I got in my own way and this was stressful not to mention demoralising. In all my self-flagellation, what I failed to notice were my small successes and ignoring these even led to me ignoring when I’d ticked an item off my to-do list. While I was worrying about successfully completing my masters, I had begun to get good grades on my courses, but I never celebrated. For many reasons, the most of all was that I was afraid of “resting on my laurels”; of slipping into mediocrity (we’ll talk about how mediocrity is honestly slander).

I made pretences at being happy but all I could think was what if I can’t carry this to my next course and I fail that one. I missed the fact that in getting good grades in the courses, I was well on my way to passing my masters successfully. It seems logical to talk about but at the time, I could not see the forest for the trees (I missed the big picture). I did not learn to celebrate the small wins until recently. Now, I break my big goals into little steps and when I successfully complete each little step, I take the time to celebrate by doing a little happy dance or rewarding myself with a pack of sweets. It may not seem like much, but these little celebrations spur me on to the next step, they energise me, and I find that I get to my next step even more quickly. In other words, when we celebrate the small things, it boosts our confidence and reassures us of our abilities, it reduces stress and makes us more open-minded and receptive.

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Self-care is about the whole you; the past, the present and the future you. As we evolve, psychologically, spiritually, and emotionally, we have certain beliefs about ourselves that shift and change with our experiences. Me, three years ago, would not have been as forgiving on herself as I am now (and I am not nearly forgiving enough however, work in progress). I chose to believe the worst things about myself, however the more I made time for me the easier it was to debunk these beliefs. Now, I am more likely to question my beliefs about myself and where I can objectively find them to be true, I take steps to be better. Self-care should consist of practices that allow you to be your most ideal self at every stage of your life. Sometimes these practices include fighting with yourself on your own behalf, fighting for time, energy, and consideration. When you decide who your ideal self is, highlight the self-care practices that you will need to get there.

Practicing self-care is hard and it continues for as long as you live. The real difficulty is knowing exactly what is good for you in any specific moment because as a human being, you are in a continuous state of mental and emotional evolution. Many self-care enthusiasts, like myself, also find it difficult to practice self-care sometime because it takes conscious effort and you have to be willing to put in hours and days of mindful work. You may not notice the effects right away (especially because everyone’s process is different) but soon you’ll notice how much better you are at dealing with complex emotions and people. Add one self-care thing, it doesn’t have to be major, to your daily routine and see the difference; for me, I included morning affirmations and I refuse to start my day without them now.

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Self-Care is Selfish and it is Not

Part 2 of the self-care saga

Self-care is a lot of things, and people often believe that it is selfish. Self-care is not selfish; it is about fulfilling your own needs. How is that not selfish? Self-care does not happen to the detriment of anyone else, it is about looking after yourself so that in case you are needed, you can look after others (it is the equivalent of putting your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else with theirs). Most of all it is about looking after yourself because you DESERVE care. (an affirmation, remember it)

When you start to practice self-care for your mental and emotional health, it should be directed towards specific needs that you have identified. When self-care is not focused, it is like taking a general antibiotic; it may help temporarily but the bug is only incapacitated for a little while. To figure out how to direct self-care, ask yourself what you need in the moment? In my situation what I needed at the time was fun, rest and a good cry. It might be difficult at first to establish your needs and I recommend spending time alone to figure this out. How do you check if you are slipping on the self-care? You’d know this best about yourself, however these are my pointers;

Go look in the mirror, how do you look right now? How is your skin (especially around your eyes)? How are your eyes (are they tired)? When was the last time you showered? How is your hair looking? (and other things you would normally add to your grooming)
How does your head feel? Does it feel full? Are you irritable? How long have you been irritable? Are you teary and very emotional? Do you feel like you don’t want to get out of bed today? Are you oo tired for the things that would normally bring you joy?

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Try activities that can be enjoyed by yourself to start and slowly include other people, but ony if you want to. At first, I stumbled through a few things I thought I needed; i tried going out drinking with friends, I tried partying, I tried cleaning (it used to relax me) but none of these worked (because even though cleaning can be relaxing, it is still a chore). I wasn’t doing any of the things I enjoyed, only things I thought I was supposed to enjoy. I knew that social interaction staved off depression and other mental health complaints so why weren’t any of the social things I was trying working for me? Yes, social interaction is beneficial to mental health however, it requires energy. For some people, it requires more energy than for others and I am one of those people for whom social interaction is particularly draining. I enjoy my own company more than anything else, I like to watch movies, play games, read books and work with my hands. Once I established this, my next hurdle was making time for myself to do the things I like the most.

For me, this remains the most difficult part of self-care. I make time for others and often forget myself (as many people do), it is not because people are bad or grasping. In fact, it is possible that for some of us, we make time for others so that we can escape from ourselves but that is a discussion for another day. I found it hard to make time for myself because I did not know how to establish boundaries. I routinely gave too much and a little more to situations that were not helping me to make any progress professionally or personally. Earlier, I mentioned my penchant for ruminating, I have a habit of focusing on negative feedback and the ‘bad’ things that people say to me.

Long after I had left them and the situation, I would continue to ponder what had been said to the point where I could not rest or start something new for fear that I would receive similar feedback. I learned to establish boundaries on what I permit people to say to me and because we cannot control people, I also learned to actively sift the real message from what they were saying to me and ignore the rest. This is extremely hard to do and it is not a finite process, I do it every day and sometimes I’m successful and other times I’m not. The point here is when we are not successful to not give up and try again.

In situations that are too much for me, I limit access to myself. For example, people may not call me without announcing by text first simply because I find phone calls intrusive and I try to explain this as bluntly as I can to friends and acquaintances. I will not hug a person that I am not comfortable with, a handshake will suffice. I will not invite you to my home unless I am totally comfortable with you and partly because I don’t know how to nicely ask you to leave. You can also set boundaries by appearing online less, ignoring text messages until you’re in a good place to respond to them, not answering every phone call and reducing communication with people who will not respect the boundaries you set. People will respect your boundaries only if you respect your boundaries.

Sometimes, people use setting boundaries as an excuse to be mean to others and that is not what it’s about. Setting boundaries does not mean that you are mean to people or that you isolate or cut people out of your life (it may eventually lead to this but it is not the objective). Creating boundaries is to protect your self-worth, your energy, your space and your time. It is about saying “this far and no further” to things that deplete your mental, emotional, and physical energy. A bonus to having boundaries is that it protects other people from you and gives you time to step away from potentially harmful situations.

My temper is short when I am stressed, and I am very prone to saying things that may hurt other people. This happens when I do not look after myself by doing the thing I need in that moment like resting. I have to distance myself from the situation and thoughts surrounding the situation, I do this by colouring, playing my favourite game, going to the cinemas alone(or watching a movie at home), trying a new recipe or attempting a complicated beading design. If I do not remove myself from the situation that would cause me to lose my temper, I have not respected my boundaries. I’ve given you plenty of theory which I admit can be very confusing, so how do we create boundaries?

Create boundaries for your thoughts by specifying a time and place for certain thoughts. For example, thoughts about work should be limited to your working hours, if they intrude during your down time, write them down in a work journal (or a post-it) and move on. I also tend to actively stop thoughts that bother me by reading a chapter of my favourite comic.
Create boundaries for people by limiting access to yourself. You can decide that you will not answer calls and messages after 10pm (or whenever you choose). You also don’t have to answer the phone every time it makes a noise. You can take your time to respond to texts, IMs, and emails. This manages people’s expectations of when they can reach you and how. It also means that you’re less harried trying to respond to every notification, you manage your time and energy and you become a lot more productive.
Create boundaries for your work by working on your contracted days. I’ve been in daily paid work and I was tempted to work 7 days a week to maximise how much money I would make however, this was not feasible, I was at my lowest mentally and emotionally so I decided I will do no work or even chores, no matter how small on Sundays. I spend Sundays doing something fun, sometimes I try a new activity (I took up boxing) or I just reread my favourite books or I sleep.
Time management is also a great way to create boundaries overall. Set the time out for activities and stick to it within reason. For example; I stop working at 5pm on the dot and I try to have dinner between 6 and 7. This gives me enough time to unwind from the day. I understand that there are times when you must work overtime however, you must do your best to make sure this doesn’t happen often.

When you make time for yourself to do the things you need, you create a boundary between yourself and a potentially problematic situation, frame of mind or person. You replenish yourself and VOILA you have practiced self-care. Creating boundaries is difficult because there is a world of things to protect and different people have different margins for their boundaries. However, if you need help knowing where you cross boundaries and creating boundaries, send me a message lets work together.

Self-Care is Hard

Here’s part one of a three part comprehensive guide to making self-care happen…

By now, everyone knows about self-care. Pop psychology is all about it. In fact anyone who is anything will tell you to practice self-care, you know; sit in front of a scented candle, use some essential oils, take a long hot soak, or take yourself out on a spa date. Never mind the elitist nature of many self-care suggestions (because how many people have a bathtub to soak in, or money to blow on candles and products), or that some of these activities may not even be attractive to you, or that selfcare is just plain difficult! However, practicing self-care comes with more rewards than consequences, there are hurdles that we must overcome, and I think that doing the work to move past these obstacles is the real self-care.

I did not know what self-care was until my body and my mind demanded it of me, I thought social media was at it again. I am the sort of person who internalises my stress and I tend to escalate the problem by ruminating (learned behaviour). During my masters, I had no choice but to listen to my body and stop when it told me to. I was so caught up in the process of regaining a lost scholarship, a place to live, finding a job, succeeding academically and just not being a waste of resources and a disappointment that I hadn’t given myself time to process my thoughts and emotions or at the very least acknowledge them. Anyone relating so far? I followed my routine; wake up, go to class, study, fight with the school, look for jobs, search for internships, search for housing, go home, sleep or eat; and I neglected the body and mind that were helping me achieve this interesting cycle.

My to-do list grew, and it never included anything that would help me relax or recalibrate, the first sign that something was wrong was that I had stopped sleeping. At 3am, you could find me cycling around my neighbourhood catching Pokémon and trying to stop my mind from spinning. When I did manage to sleep, I had nightmares and those made me afraid to sleep so I spent less time sleeping and more time actively fretting about sleeping so it was no surprise when I started to dissociate.

The first time it happened, I was on a train to campus and I had not noticed when it came to a stop. I was sitting on the doors and when they opened, I fell out. I found it amusing and carried on with my day however, I started to dissociate more often and at very inconvenient times (not that there is a good time to dissociate). I often felt removed from my surroundings, I would be watching what was happening, but I could not tell you any details or even if they were real (derealisation). On some occasions, I would disconnect from my body and you would get my answering machine self(depersonalisation). I’d be focused and present one moment and the next, I would be far away only to return after I’d fallen off my bike, cycled into something, burnt food or ridden several stops past where I should have got off the train.

I usually knew that I was about to dissociate when I heard a high-pitched ringing in my ears and my vision began to spin. Sometimes my hands and feet would get incredibly cold, my heart rate would speed up and I’d find a little difficult to breathe. The only thing I was usually able to do was move my legs so I’d walk to the nearest chair, sit down and wait for it to pass. If you’ve ever had a panic or anxiety attack, you might recognise some of these signs. Have you ever dissociated, and did you have different experiences?

Of course, we can argue that the dissociating was a side effect of not sleeping and you would be right but why was not I sleeping? I wasn’t sleeping because I had overwhelmed myself and not taken time to decompress. The peak of it, the situation that brought me to my knees was when I became incontinent. I could not make it to the toilet fast enough no matter how close I was to it, no matter how little water I drank, no matter how much preventative peeing I tried to do. This wasn’t part of the dissociation; it was an isolated occurrence but also stress related. It was embarrassing. A one-off incident would have been understandable, but I have lost count of the number of times I had to change my underwear or my tights outside my home.

What made this situation terribly sad was the fact that I could link all of this to being stressed but I would not (or could not) do anything to help myself. So, what stopped me from taking care of myself?

It needed me to use mental, physical, and emotional effort that I needed to exert elsewhere (on the very source of my stress)
I felt guilty. I felt like I was indulging myself (because of core beliefs that I would later identify in training) and I was not deserving of rest because my goals had not yet been achieved
The process involved introspection and I was afraid of what facts about myself I may uncover; I was afraid that things that I believed about myself on the surface would turn out to be true.
I procrastinated a lot. I told myself I would do it later, I told myself I didn’t have the time (you’d be surprised how common it is for clients to tell you they haven’t got time for themselves).
Self-care was a luxury I couldn’t afford. I was in a race against time to complete my education, find housing and so much more.
I did not know how to self-care; I knew how to look after other people but not after myself.

My inability to look after myself was rooted in my own perception of my self-worth. Working with clients revealed that I was not alone in feeling this way. A common theme with some clients is not believing that they are worthy of self-care, but it is important to remember that you cannot dish from an empty pot. All the mental, emotional, and physical resources we need to function can only be replenished WHEN we look after ourselves. So, what is self-care about and how do we do it?

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A common misconception is that self-care is all about the activity, but it is more than that. First, it is about listening to your body and your feelings. My biggest mistake was ignoring what my body was telling me when I stopped sleeping. It was telling me that I was running out of mental and emotional energy and it was warning me that my physical energy was being used instead. I ignored the situation because I did not recognise it or understand why it was happening. Moral of the story? Listen to your body I knew that stress led to less sleep, but I did not know the process behind it which brings me to the listening to your feelings part of the experience.

I completely ignored the stress and anxiety. Objectively, I knew the stress potential of each event happening in my life (changing countries with nowhere to live, house hunting, job hunting, completing a masters program, financial struggles) and I could recognise them very well if they were happening to someone else but I couldn’t acknowledge them for myself. I did not think that I deserved to feel stressed or anxious by the situation and I believed that my ‘symptoms’ were a sign of my weakness, after all people had been through this situation and worse. These thoughts are a mistake that we all make.

Granted, my situation is not new to any immigrant (or international student) but our mental and physical constitutions are different. The manner that we manage the emotional toll of the situation is different and the first step to beginning self-care is acknowledging this as fact. When we can acknowledge our differences, we can start to define our strengths and establish the limits of our abilities so that we know when to stop pushing or when to push harder. This will take some introspection and it is not expected that you will figure it out on the first try, it takes time, patience, and compassion for yourself.

To evaluate yourself properly, you will have to stop everything; stop thinking, stop doing, stop planning, just stop. Meditation is the easiest way to do this and it does not mean that you must assume lotus position and chant ‘ohm’ for hours. You can meditate by doing an activity that allows you to free your mind, for me it was colouring and making beaded jewellery. Also it doesn’t have to last longer than half an hour. You can do it before bed, immediately before or after a meal, or even when you wake up. Before you start;

assume a comfortable position (I sit down in my favourite bean bag chair)
take several deep breaths to ground yourself in the present (I do this 5 times, holding each breath for 3 Mississippis and letting it out slowly, find your rhythm)
roll your shoulders and flex your jaw (you will be surprised how much tension we hold here)
start your chosen activity (and that could also be just sitting still with your eyes closed) or try a grounding exercise.

Congratulations! You have taken your first step towards self-care. You will find that your subconscious knows exactly how to receive, sort and package difficult thoughts and emotions. Grounding yourself in this way serves two purposes; 1.) it is an emergency brake for your mental conveyor belt especially when you are becoming overwhelmed and, 2.) it allows you to objectively examine your thoughts and decide which are worth focusing on. However, if you find you need help to kickstart the process, you don’t know how to decide what thoughts deserve your time, send me a message and I will be happy to work with you!

Feeding the Mind: Baby’s Mental Health

Where we talk about what and how to eat to give baby’s mental health a fighting chance .

Many of my friends have started to have children and it has come with questions about what to do to help baby have good mental health. The refrains of “you’re a psychologist, what should we do?” have pushed me to write. So here is the skinny:

Mummy is the incubator.

That means that the environment in her womb has got to be as clean and full of nutrients as possible. Ideally, all this should have started when you were a young girl, eating the right food and so on but never fear, it is not too late! Before we talk about what you’re eating, let’s talk about how you’re feeling.

We all know that stress isn’t good for baby. A stressed-out mum will have higher levels of cortisol (a hormone released in response to stress) in her blood and this gets transferred to the baby through the placenta. What happens then? A stressed mum means a stressed baby and a stressed baby’s brain may develop a little slower than average. A stressed baby may also be more prone to anxiety-type disorders and other mental health issues later in life. The explanation for this is highly sciency and long but if you’d like to know the specifics, follow this link.

Now on to the diet! From the moment of conception, the baby depends on its mama for nutrition. Mum’s diet plays an important role in the development of the baby’s neural circuitry (the fuses and wires that send messages in the brain and from the brain to the rest of the body). The neural circuitry manages the child’s behaviour and has lasting effects on its quality of life! Like we said before, a mother’s diet and feeding patterns affects the baby directly and we’ve mentioned how hormones do this, a more physical observation is that when mummy is stressed she’s not going to pay attention to what she eats thus the baby’s diet is also bad. An extreme effect of bad diet is low birthweight, and the science people have found that low birthweight could lead to depression and depressive symptoms later in life. It is not a simple cause and effect link so don’t worry, many things could cause low birthweight, all you need to do as a mum is make sure that diet isn’t one of the causes.

We’ll cover some of the things you can and cannot eat in this piece, don’t worry, but before that it is particularly important to remember that timing is everything in pregnancy. This means that different parts of the baby are developing at different times, we call them critical periods. For example; did you know that major structural developments in the brain happen in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy? That means you’ve got to eat the right food in that time or we could have a problem. You don’t want to get lazy with the things that you eat at these critical periods because they may have long term effects. Again, don’t worry, you’ve just always got to maintain a highly nutritious diet, and all will be well. Also, don’t forget to involve your obstetrician, they can guide you.

First things first, the obvious, a pregnant woman needs protein, plenty of protein. Protein is important for brain size, the production of hormones and other kinds of chemical messengers in the brain called neurotransmitters. These hormones and neurotransmitters are particularly important for emotional regulation in the mummy as well. So, what should you eat? Animal proteins like beef, chicken, fish, eggs, milk are good sources of protein. If animals aren’t your bag or you would like to switch it up once in a while, you can also try chickpeas, nuts, wild rice, lentils, most beans, tofu, edamame, hemp seed, green peas and quinoa. The side benefit to these plant-based proteins is that they’re also rich in fibre!

I’m sure we’ve all heard of folate in relation to pregnancy. That’s cos its super important! On my personal scale, I’d put folates at the very top. What do they do? Your body uses folates to help in cell division and to produce DNA and other genetic material. If you don’t have enough folate in pregnancy, then the baby could develop neural tube defects and spinal bifida. In other words, baby needs folate to grow part of his brain circuits. To prevent neural tube defects, it is advised to take folates and folic acids before you get pregnant but because most people don’t know they’re going to get pregnant, FDA advises women to take up to 400mcg (microgram) of folic acid daily. You can find folic acid in orange juice, asparagus, brussels sprouts, most dark green leafy vegetables, beef liver, peanuts, black eyed peas, and kidney beans. If you’re not feeling any of these, might be a good idea to get folic acid supplements over the counter at any pharmacy or drug store

Magnesium is another important nutrient. At this point, I’m sure that you’re wondering if there are any unimportant ones; there aren’t but the ones I talk about here are crucial to good mental health. That good good brain food. Magnesium helps the baby in the activation of over 600 enzymes! With sufficient magnesium, baby becomes increasingly resistant to stress (doesn’t mean go ahead and indulge in stress inducing behaviour). Magnesium also affects mummy, low magnesium puts the mum at risk of preeclampsia, contractions and premature labour. All not good. Where can you find magnesium? In nuts, sun flower seeds, linseeds, beans, leafy greens (especially spinach) and whole grains. You can also find them in supplements but it’s a lot easier to eat them in food.

Not getting Iron at the right time in a baby’s development also has heavy consequences, but again, do not be afraid. Remember how we talked about critical periods in pregnancy? There’s a critical period in baby’s growth when the hippocampus is developing, at this time the baby needs a lot of iron. If baby has an inadequate supply of iron, it will lead to poor hippocampal function, poor recognition memory and poor toddler-mother interactions. But all is not lost! You can get your iron up by eating loads of leafy green vegetables (especially spinach), red meat, dried food, beans, and pumpkin seeds. Liver is also a good source of iron but doctors say you ought to avoid it when your pregnant.

Now we know what to eat to improve baby’s mental health, what kinds of food could do have some negative effects on mental health. Popularly citied are foods that are high in saturated fats (like ghee, fatty cuts of meat, etc), trans fats (fast food, fried food, frozen pizza, refrigerated dough, etc), and added sugars. Essentially don’t pig out on food that you wouldn’t normally pig out on in the name of pregnancy cravings. It will be worse for you and baby in the long run, and not just because of the increased risk of obesity for you both. Indulging in food rich in saturated fats, trans fats and added sugars could lead to impaired cognition, increased risk for depression and anxiety, and emotional disorders.

The take away from this is that you can eat a lot of the same food you normally would but it would be advisable to increase the iron, magnesium, folate and protein to a little bit higher than you’d normally eat and reduce the junk food to a once in a very long time indulgence (if you can’t cut it out entirely). If it’s still all too confusing, talk to a dietician, they can help!