Self-Care is Selfish and it is Not

Part 2 of the self-care saga

Self-care is a lot of things, and people often believe that it is selfish. Self-care is not selfish; it is about fulfilling your own needs. How is that not selfish? Self-care does not happen to the detriment of anyone else, it is about looking after yourself so that in case you are needed, you can look after others (it is the equivalent of putting your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else with theirs). Most of all it is about looking after yourself because you DESERVE care. (an affirmation, remember it)

When you start to practice self-care for your mental and emotional health, it should be directed towards specific needs that you have identified. When self-care is not focused, it is like taking a general antibiotic; it may help temporarily but the bug is only incapacitated for a little while. To figure out how to direct self-care, ask yourself what you need in the moment? In my situation what I needed at the time was fun, rest and a good cry. It might be difficult at first to establish your needs and I recommend spending time alone to figure this out. How do you check if you are slipping on the self-care? You’d know this best about yourself, however these are my pointers;

• Go look in the mirror, how do you look right now? How is your skin (especially around your eyes)? How are your eyes (are they tired)? When was the last time you showered? How is your hair looking? (and other things you would normally add to your grooming)
• How does your head feel? Does it feel full? Are you irritable? How long have you been irritable? Are you teary and very emotional? Do you feel like you don’t want to get out of bed today? Are you oo tired for the things that would normally bring you joy?

Try activities that can be enjoyed by yourself to start and slowly include other people, but ony if you want to. At first, I stumbled through a few things I thought I needed; i tried going out drinking with friends, I tried partying, I tried cleaning (it used to relax me) but none of these worked (because even though cleaning can be relaxing, it is still a chore). I wasn’t doing any of the things I enjoyed, only things I thought I was supposed to enjoy. I knew that social interaction staved off depression and other mental health complaints so why weren’t any of the social things I was trying working for me? Yes, social interaction is beneficial to mental health however, it requires energy. For some people, it requires more energy than for others and I am one of those people for whom social interaction is particularly draining. I enjoy my own company more than anything else, I like to watch movies, play games, read books and work with my hands. Once I established this, my next hurdle was making time for myself to do the things I like the most.

For me, this remains the most difficult part of self-care. I make time for others and often forget myself (as many people do), it is not because people are bad or grasping. In fact, it is possible that for some of us, we make time for others so that we can escape from ourselves but that is a discussion for another day. I found it hard to make time for myself because I did not know how to establish boundaries. I routinely gave too much and a little more to situations that were not helping me to make any progress professionally or personally. Earlier, I mentioned my penchant for ruminating, I have a habit of focusing on negative feedback and the ‘bad’ things that people say to me.

Long after I had left them and the situation, I would continue to ponder what had been said to the point where I could not rest or start something new for fear that I would receive similar feedback. I learned to establish boundaries on what I permit people to say to me and because we cannot control people, I also learned to actively sift the real message from what they were saying to me and ignore the rest. This is extremely hard to do and it is not a finite process, I do it every day and sometimes I’m successful and other times I’m not. The point here is when we are not successful to not give up and try again.

In situations that are too much for me, I limit access to myself. For example, people may not call me without announcing by text first simply because I find phone calls intrusive and I try to explain this as bluntly as I can to friends and acquaintances. I will not hug a person that I am not comfortable with, a handshake will suffice. I will not invite you to my home unless I am totally comfortable with you and partly because I don’t know how to nicely ask you to leave. You can also set boundaries by appearing online less, ignoring text messages until you’re in a good place to respond to them, not answering every phone call and reducing communication with people who will not respect the boundaries you set. People will respect your boundaries only if you respect your boundaries.

Sometimes, people use setting boundaries as an excuse to be mean to others and that is not what it’s about. Setting boundaries does not mean that you are mean to people or that you isolate or cut people out of your life (it may eventually lead to this but it is not the objective). Creating boundaries is to protect your self-worth, your energy, your space and your time. It is about saying “this far and no further” to things that deplete your mental, emotional, and physical energy. A bonus to having boundaries is that it protects other people from you and gives you time to step away from potentially harmful situations.

My temper is short when I am stressed, and I am very prone to saying things that may hurt other people. This happens when I do not look after myself by doing the thing I need in that moment like resting. I have to distance myself from the situation and thoughts surrounding the situation, I do this by colouring, playing my favourite game, going to the cinemas alone(or watching a movie at home), trying a new recipe or attempting a complicated beading design. If I do not remove myself from the situation that would cause me to lose my temper, I have not respected my boundaries. I’ve given you plenty of theory which I admit can be very confusing, so how do we create boundaries?

• Create boundaries for your thoughts by specifying a time and place for certain thoughts. For example, thoughts about work should be limited to your working hours, if they intrude during your down time, write them down in a work journal (or a post-it) and move on. I also tend to actively stop thoughts that bother me by reading a chapter of my favourite comic.
• Create boundaries for people by limiting access to yourself. You can decide that you will not answer calls and messages after 10pm (or whenever you choose). You also don’t have to answer the phone every time it makes a noise. You can take your time to respond to texts, IMs, and emails. This manages people’s expectations of when they can reach you and how. It also means that you’re less harried trying to respond to every notification, you manage your time and energy and you become a lot more productive.
• Create boundaries for your work by working on your contracted days. I’ve been in daily paid work and I was tempted to work 7 days a week to maximise how much money I would make however, this was not feasible, I was at my lowest mentally and emotionally so I decided I will do no work or even chores, no matter how small on Sundays. I spend Sundays doing something fun, sometimes I try a new activity (I took up boxing) or I just reread my favourite books or I sleep.
• Time management is also a great way to create boundaries overall. Set the time out for activities and stick to it within reason. For example; I stop working at 5pm on the dot and I try to have dinner between 6 and 7. This gives me enough time to unwind from the day. I understand that there are times when you must work overtime however, you must do your best to make sure this doesn’t happen often.

When you make time for yourself to do the things you need, you create a boundary between yourself and a potentially problematic situation, frame of mind or person. You replenish yourself and VOILA you have practiced self-care. Creating boundaries is difficult because there is a world of things to protect and different people have different margins for their boundaries. However, if you need help knowing where you cross boundaries and creating boundaries, send me a message lets work together.