Self-Care is Hard

Here’s part one of a three part comprehensive guide to making self-care happen…

By now, everyone knows about self-care. Pop psychology is all about it. In fact anyone who is anything will tell you to practice self-care, you know; sit in front of a scented candle, use some essential oils, take a long hot soak, or take yourself out on  a spa date. Never mind the elitist nature of many self-care suggestions (because how many people have a bathtub to soak in, or money to blow on candles and products), or that some of these activities may not even be attractive to you, or that selfcare is just plain difficult! However, practicing self-care comes with more rewards than consequences, there are hurdles that we must overcome, and I think that doing the work to move past these obstacles is the real self-care.

I did not know what self-care was until my body and my mind demanded it of me, I thought social media was at it again. I am the sort of person who internalises my stress and I tend to escalate the problem by ruminating (learned behaviour). During my masters, I had no choice but to listen to my body and stop when it told me to. I was so caught up in the process of regaining a lost scholarship, a place to live, finding a job, succeeding academically and just not being a waste of resources and a disappointment that I hadn’t given myself time to process my thoughts and emotions or at the very least acknowledge them. Anyone relating so far? I followed my routine; wake up, go to class, study, fight with the school, look for jobs, search for internships, search for housing, go home, sleep or eat; and I neglected the body and mind that were helping me achieve this interesting cycle.

My to-do list grew, and it never included anything that would help me relax or recalibrate, the first sign that something was wrong was that I had stopped sleeping. At 3am, you could find me cycling around my neighbourhood catching Pokémon and trying to stop my mind from spinning. When I did manage to sleep, I had nightmares and those made me afraid to sleep so I spent less time sleeping and more time actively fretting about sleeping so it was no surprise when I started to dissociate.

The first time it happened, I was on a train to campus and I had not noticed when it came to a stop. I was sitting on the doors and when they opened, I fell out. I found it amusing and carried on with my day however, I started to dissociate more often and at very inconvenient times (not that there is a good time to dissociate). I often felt removed from my surroundings, I would be watching what was happening, but I could not tell you any details or even if they were real (derealisation). On some occasions, I would disconnect from my body and you would get my answering machine self(depersonalisation). I’d be focused and present one moment and the next, I would be far away only to return after I’d fallen off my bike, cycled into something, burnt food or ridden several stops past where I should have got off the train.

I usually knew that I was about to dissociate when I heard a high-pitched ringing in my ears and my vision began to spin. Sometimes my hands and feet would get incredibly cold, my heart rate would speed up and I’d find a little difficult to breathe. The only thing I was usually able to do was move my legs so I’d walk to the nearest chair, sit down and wait for it to pass. If you’ve ever had a panic or anxiety attack, you might recognise some of these signs. Have you ever dissociated, and did you have different experiences?

Of course, we can argue that the dissociating was a side effect of not sleeping and you would be right but why was not I sleeping? I wasn’t sleeping because I had overwhelmed myself and not taken time to decompress. The peak of it, the situation that brought me to my knees was when I became incontinent. I could not make it to the toilet fast enough no matter how close I was to it, no matter how little water I drank, no matter how much preventative peeing I tried to do. This wasn’t part of the dissociation; it was an isolated occurrence but also stress related. It was embarrassing. A one-off incident would have been understandable, but I have lost count of the number of times I had to change my underwear or my tights outside my home.

What made this situation terribly sad was the fact that I could link all of this to being stressed but I would not (or could not) do anything to help myself. So, what stopped me from taking care of myself?

• It needed me to use mental, physical, and emotional effort that I needed to exert elsewhere (on the very source of my stress)
• I felt guilty. I felt like I was indulging myself (because of core beliefs that I would later identify in training) and I was not deserving of rest because my goals had not yet been achieved
• The process involved introspection and I was afraid of what facts about myself I may uncover; I was afraid that things that I believed about myself on the surface would turn out to be true.
• I procrastinated a lot. I told myself I would do it later, I told myself I didn’t have the time (you’d be surprised how common it is for clients to tell you they haven’t got time for themselves).
• Self-care was a luxury I couldn’t afford. I was in a race against time to complete my education, find housing and so much more.
• I did not know how to self-care; I knew how to look after other people but not after myself.

My inability to look after myself was rooted in my own perception of my self-worth. Working with clients revealed that I was not alone in feeling this way. A common theme with some clients is not believing that they are worthy of self-care, but it is important to remember that you cannot dish from an empty pot. All the mental, emotional, and physical resources we need to function can only be replenished WHEN we look after ourselves. So, what is self-care about and how do we do it?

A common misconception is that self-care is all about the activity, but it is more than that. First, it is about listening to your body and your feelings. My biggest mistake was ignoring what my body was telling me when I stopped sleeping. It was telling me that I was running out of mental and emotional energy and it was warning me that my physical energy was being used instead. I ignored the situation because I did not recognise it or understand why it was happening. Moral of the story? Listen to your body I knew that stress led to less sleep, but I did not know the process behind it which brings me to the listening to your feelings part of the experience.

I completely ignored the stress and anxiety. Objectively, I knew the stress potential of each event happening in my life (changing countries with nowhere to live, house hunting, job hunting, completing a masters program, financial struggles) and I could recognise them very well if they were happening to someone else but I couldn’t acknowledge them for myself. I did not think that I deserved to feel stressed or anxious by the situation and I believed that my ‘symptoms’ were a sign of my weakness, after all people had been through this situation and worse. These thoughts are a mistake that we all make.

Granted, my situation is not new to any immigrant (or international student) but our mental and physical constitutions are different. The manner that we manage the emotional toll of the situation is different and the first step to beginning self-care is acknowledging this as fact. When we can acknowledge our differences, we can start to define our strengths and establish the limits of our abilities so that we know when to stop pushing or when to push harder. This will take some introspection and it is not expected that you will figure it out on the first try, it takes time, patience, and compassion for yourself.

To evaluate yourself properly, you will have to stop everything; stop thinking, stop doing, stop planning, just stop. Meditation is the easiest way to do this and it does not mean that you must assume lotus position and chant ‘ohm’ for hours. You can meditate by doing an activity that allows you to free your mind, for me it was colouring and making beaded jewellery. Also it doesn’t have to last longer than half an hour. You can do it before bed, immediately before or after a meal, or even when you wake up. Before you start;

• assume a comfortable position (I sit down in my favourite bean bag chair)
• take several deep breaths to ground yourself in the present (I do this 5 times, holding each breath for 3 Mississippis and letting it out slowly, find your rhythm)
• roll your shoulders and flex your jaw (you will be surprised how much tension we hold here)
• start your chosen activity (and that could also be just sitting still with your eyes closed) or try a grounding exercise.

Congratulations! You have taken your first step towards self-care. You will find that your subconscious knows exactly how to receive, sort and package difficult thoughts and emotions. Grounding yourself in this way serves two purposes; 1.) it is an emergency brake for your mental conveyor belt especially when you are becoming overwhelmed and, 2.) it allows you to objectively examine your thoughts and decide which are worth focusing on.  However, if you find you need help to kickstart the process, you don’t know how to decide what thoughts deserve your time, send me a message and I will be happy to work with you!